Dear Grandpa Robert -- Husband's No Good

Dear Grandpa Robert,
My husband always spends so much time watching TV. He never helps out. What can I say to him to get him to start chipping in more?

First of all let me make this very clear, I have never been in this position. My wife and I share the responsibilities around the house. We started this just after we were married. It was our first Thanksgiving together. We had both been single parents and we both went to the kitchen to prepare the meal. We prepare food different, so we decided to make a list and divide the items for the meal. We have been married 23 years and are still dividing everything so no one gets stuck with it all.

However, I do know that the behavior you described can be found at home and in the work place. It is also a behavior that can be found in some children. Now you can go on the web and you can buy all kinds of books that will tell you how to get him off his butt. Most of them are a total waste of money because they don’t work.

They will tell you that he just doesn’t understand that you want help or don’t understand how difficult it is for one person to do everything…..Bull. He just doesn’t want to do it. Others will tell you to use sex to entice him. As a man, I’m all in favor of that, but it doesn’t work in the long run. Any carrot and stick approach is short term only. Still others will say you just need to let him know your feelings, in a non-threatening approach. Again, he knows what he is doing and if he isn’t helping chances are he won’t be listening either.

Women talk and share, generally men don’t. The best way to get him off his rear-end and help, is through positive motivation. Ask him directly to do something and then let him know how much you appreciate it. A smile or a thank you will go a long ways. As he gets more involved stay positive.

If your husband is the type of person that wants to be in charge, let him. Have him set a schedule for everyone in the family. Let him run the show. Now I know this is manipulation, but if it works, who cares.

When he finally does something don’t reply with a sarcastic reply like, “Finally, you got off your butt and did something. This will guarantee that it won’t happen again. Have patience and take your time. Think of it as like training a child. It will take time, but if you are in the marriage for the long run, it will be worth it. The positive motivation he gets will make him want to do more. When he sees that it makes you happy he will want to do more.

Now I don’t think I’m letting out a secret here, but women learn early how to make their husbands happy. It may be that special smile, the look with the eyes, a simple hug and a thank you, or a dozen other ways. Turn it on and tune him in.